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Provocative Publishing
featuring the work of Carole Hayman
Ladies Go Green
Written by Carole Hayman & Lou Wakefield
Vera@bloomingreenery.com
Dear Irene,
I shall never dubitate your prognostications again. Or those of the Good Lord. Perhaps your current dolouterious state has put you in touch with a sixth sense – or in your case, a fifth, since judging by your cusinary concoctions, your taste-buds atrophied long ago.
There was indeed a yellow lake - the lavatory had overflowed. ‘Little’ Nelson, as you insist on calling him – and nothing could be less apositical, his legs are almost as long as mine – was up to his backside in sewage. It’s my own fault for tying a brick to the ballcock. It’s part of the ‘Clean up, Green up’ campaign I’m running in The Shags - did you know every time you pull your chain, you use nine litres of drinking water!? Not that I’m recommending drinking it. Well, not after seeing it swilling round Nelson’s crutch.
The lavatorial cascade was more mundane than apocalyptic, however, being caused by Sabrina flushing away her hair extensions. It was not pennants, but plaits, Nelson was waving over his head, having retrieved them – thanks to his long legs – from the half way down the stink pipe.
I mentioned in my last, that I’d got the family helping at the Greener Gardens show, which was to raise funds for my campaign. Youssou and Sabrina with their usual bravuria decided to ‘go green’, literally. Following his African tribal model, Youssou decorated his face with ‘wode’, homemade from pesto sauce. I must say it was very elegant in a savage sort of way. I’m used to Sabrina’s hair being every shade from peacock to purple, but this time she dyed her entire head. It looked like a cabbage on top of Guy Fawkes. Once the show was over, she couldn’t wait to get rid of her scarecrow tresses - she still can’t get the Dulux off her nose, but that’s another story.
Youssou, the dear boy, has just helped me clear up. He was horrified at Sabrina’s wastefulness. When he first came, he used to wash his face, hair, teeth and socks in the same bowl of water. And I’m talking about a pudding bowl. It was only after several unpleasant incidents that I was able to get him to use the lavatory at all.
Well my dear, I hope that puts your mind at rest and will prevent further nightmares. Can I also recommend a hot recycled-water bottle, a good book and a cup of Ovaltine.
Vee
PS : Should Auntie Doris’s house lack insulation, I’ve found that Sabrina’s extensions, now they’ve dried out, make excellent draught excluders.
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